A Relaxing Evening in the Russian Apocalypse

Sometimes, you just want to relax. Unwind. Forget your worries. So, naturally, I boot up the most soul-destroying, stress-inducing game ever created. With a hot drink in hand and a heart full of hope, I begin my new life… washed up on a cold, desolate beach with nothing but an apple and the sheer will to survive.

Three steps inland, and I spot another fresh spawn. I do the universal “I’m friendly” wiggle, the delicate side-to-side shuffle that says, Hey, we’re both helpless, let’s not ruin each other’s day! But am I actually friendly? That’s still up for debate. He doesn’t need to know that, though.

If all else fails, I could always pull the classic click mic, let them hear I’m female move....it’s an instant psychological weapon. But no, that’s a last resort. Instead, I commit to the wiggle, shimmying like a malfunctioning Roomba across the dirt.

And then....oh. This guy is not here for friendship. Out comes his tiny knife. Sigh.....

Thus begins the most pathetic duel in human history. Two starving, half-naked beach hobos flailing at each other in broad daylight, over what? An apple? A shred of dignity? I don’t know. But after a few panicked punches and some desperate dodging, I emerge victorious. I stare at his lifeless body, shake my head, and—out of sheer pettiness—I leave the apple in his inventory as a final "screw you!"

The journey continues. I scavenge, I struggle, I flirt with death every five minutes. Wolves? Check. Hypothermia? Check. A dramatic, action-movie-style chase through a zombie-infested town? Oh, absolutely.

But slowly, things turn in my favor. I find supplies. Food. Clothing. Weapons. I am no longer the beach hobo. I am a warrior. I am dangerous. And in my hands? A KA-101 rifle, fully loaded. I am ready.

I stand there, admiring my progress, feeling like a goddess among men.

POP.

"You Are Dead."